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2003 Honda S2000
If you commit to a Honda S2000, you will be hassled by the police the second you stray one mile-an-hour over the speed limit. Here's why: The S2000's X-Box controller layout repels docile family men in the 60's with gray hair. Girls don't like the car either. Angular shapes remind them of their selfish ex-boyfriends. Men in the 30's to 50's can't buy it because it is too expensive of a toy to justify to their nuclear unit. This leaves only one group: spoiled rich-kids. The S2000 is a Boathouse Row graduation present. It is driven largely by the type of kid who L.E.O.s looooove to pull-over: Me-Monkeys. Transcript INTRO by MR. REGULAR "S2000 OWNER": This is MY S2000. This is MINE. It belongs to me, NOT YOU. This is MINE MINE MINE MI- MR. REGULAR: Hello, ladies. As long as this car is in your man's life, you aren't. -- Intro Song: "Everything About You" by Ugly Kid Joe And I get sick when I'm around I can't stand to be around, I- -- MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR and Mr. Regular as "S2000 OWNER" S2000 OWNER: In here, I control EVERYTHING. I control the remote, I control the radio, I control the fan! I control the volume! I. Control. Everything! I control THE HOLE! MR REGULAR: Honda S2000: Sponsored by couples' therapy! S2000 OWNER: SMACK Don't even LOOK at the starter button! I'm gonna put it over HERE, where YOU. CAN'T. SEE IT! MR REGULAR: Ever since the S2000 went out of production in 2009, the myths have started building. People would say things like, "it uses a motorcycle engine," and, "it goes 0 to 60 in 3 seconds, and flames shoot out the back if you go above 7000 RPM!" "I hear it's banned in Canada." "I heard you have to get a special insurance license. At the courthouse!" S2000 OWNER: All this here? All this here? BEATING This is for ME. You SIT there, and you stare at the blank dash. Oh, no no no no! You don't even get to see the radio! MR REGULAR: The S2000's steering is electronically assisted and adaptive to the vigor of driver input. Fact check this later. Eh... screw it. S2000 OWNER: This is my radio! I'm gonna close the door so you. Can't. Look at it. STOP LOOKING AT IT! We're gonna listen to MY music. MINE! MR REGULAR: Instead of a clicky knob that adjusts the fan speed, you get a rocker switch which has accompanying LED lights which tell you how fast the air is blowing. S2000 OWNER: Okay, fine. Fine, here. Here, have a VENT. You can have a VENT. Have fun with your VENT. MR REGULAR: Down below, your feet are kept warm by a Play-Doh Fun Factory vent system which blows air all over both your feet instead of just wildly heating up one of them. S2000 OWNER: This Honda S2000 is powered by a 1,997 cc twin-cam engine. I know. I know it's not two liters, okay? Okay, but it does. It does make 237 horsepower! The redline is... okay. The redline is 8,800, but MINE? MINE goes to NINE, I assure you! Mine goes to nine! It does! It does! And the engine...the engine is pushed back behind the front wheels. CLOSER TO ME. MR REGULAR: If you bring an S2000 into your life, the first thing you need is a radar detector. S2000 OWNER: You can't judge me. You can't judge me! NO ONE JUDGES ME! HONDA S2000 Sschh 9000 OH YEAH VRVRVRVRVR- MR REGULAR: The S2000 has more cop magnetism than a Cherry Bomb equipped CR-X. And the second you try to show this car off, you're gonna spin. You're gonna spin those back tires, and the car's gonna whip around because there's no traction control mulligans. S2000 OWNER: There's one cup holder here, and that's for MY drink. YOU keep your fizzy Izze between your legs. AND KEEP THE CAP ON! MR REGULAR: If you're about to take your learner's permit test, you've hyped this car at your lunch table. S2000 OWNER: No, no, no. It's faster. It's faster than a Porsche. My S2000 is faster than a Porsche! MR REGULAR: Yeah, you've talked about it. You've talked about it and given it more super powers than the Bluesmobile. S2000 OWNER: We're going back to MY place and watch MY DVDs. Yeah, yeah we're watching that episode again. We're watching that episo- it's a good episode! This is my Pandora radio station! This is MY S2000! This is my Red XIII suit with a *DICK HOLE*. These are my novelty plushes! MR REGULAR: "I heard it can out-corner an Ariel Atom." "I heard this thing beats Gixxers." "I heard it doesn't pass smog in California." "I heard there's a special tax." "I heard if you drive an S2000, if you could drive it, like, up over a loop, it would stick like an F1 car." Of course, all the rumors aren't true. Even some of the more reasonable ones aren't true. But there is one rumor that is true. The S2000 has a special ability, and it can do one thing that no other car can do. The S2000 can make an MX-5 owner clam up for five minutes. S2000 OWNER: Unf. Unf. Unf. God Hand. God Hand. God Hand! Hold my hair while I jerk off into the DOT-3 bottle I MADE INTO A CUP! -- OUTRO SONG: (Unknown. Google search reveals nothing.) If you don't understand the reasoning of my arguments, Well maybe you can dig it, man. It's just a little zen I guess. Category:The Early Years Category:Reviews